Rachelskirts

Video Blogging Premiere

2008-04-17T13:15:48Z

Rachelskirts + Video Blogging = FAIL from Rachelskirts on Vimeo Video blogging is difficult. Not looking or sounding like a complete idiot is also very difficult (for me, at least). I forgot that I should say something interesting. I also forgot that I am not Rory Gilmore and should stop trying to pick up her mannerisms. On top of that, I forgot that lists are a lot more fun when the items are separated by bullets or numbers instead of "umms" and "sures." Basically, a lot of fail went into the making of this video, and for that, I apologize.

Botched Electrocutions, Anyone?

2008-04-17T03:00:29Z

Topics I sincerely regret researching:

Capital punishment.
Medieval torture.
Cannibalism.
Dust mites.

Quite Content to Be a Noun

2008-04-16T00:06:24Z

When I explain to people that I've had a difficult time picking a major and sticking to it in college, they ask what my interests are. I'll sigh and respond, "English, history, math, marketing, foreign languages, music, and a few others." Because it would be completely illegal for them to not offer their advice at this point, every single one will ask, "Have you considered teaching?" Wow! No! You're the first person to suggest that! Problem solved. Thanks, buddy! In reality, there's no way I could teach. I have less patience than most two-year-olds, and I can't imagine that would be useful in a classroom setting. I've pictured the scene in my head many times, and I always end up throwing a book or a white board marker at the student in the back who can't learn to spell "onomatopoeia." That said, I'm not always sure how to handle myself at work these days, where I've been turned into a verb and hailed as "a wizard," "the bestest," and "the smartest person ever." Really, I just paid attention in third grade and picked up a few tips about Microsoft Office. Also, I live at a computer, so I know how to use one. If not, I know how to use Google. So, if those are truly the qualifications for being "the bestest," well, fine. But man, Mozart is going to be so disappointed. Things I (patiently) taught my coworkers last week:

How to resize a textbox in Publisher.
How to insert a right tab (or any tab) in Word and drag it around on the ruler.
How to justify text in Word or Publisher.
Shortcut functions like CTRL+Z, CTRL+Y, CTRL+C, etc.
How to open a new tab in a browser.
How to switch between tabs in a browser.
How to open a program from the Start menu.

So. Yeah. That vacation can happen any time now. P.S. This entry is not at all meant to be a slam against my coworkers. They're great! I just wish I had the patience to teach them what they need to know. :(

Run, Skirts, Run!

2008-04-14T13:18:57Z

I'm at that point where my whole life is revolving around work. I wake up and fret about it in the shower. I talk about it on the way to work with my mom. I whine about it on the way home from work with my mom. On the weekends, work rants dominate our conversations. I can't ever seem to get away, so I'm doing what I do best... I'm running away. More specifically, I'm flying to Tay-hoss at the end of May. One of my bestest friends, Sexy Beast, is getting commissioned into the Marines on May 23, and he invited me to the ceremony. Hopefully, I'll return with wonderful stories and dreamy sighs and something to say here other than "Please kidnap me." In fact, I have one hawt cuddle session planned, as well as one hawt make-out session, and there have even been rumblings of a threesome. Now if I could just bring all my friends back with me in my suitcase, then I'd really be a happy girl. Well, and once I get Pats over here to hook me up with Elijah Wood. P.S. Okay, so I do work at a church, which therefore makes the whole slut thing not at all an option. It is, however, really funny to imagine anyone from my church stumbling across this entry and shrieking "Heathen!" like a banshee. P.P.S. The very fact that I would be amused by someone else's horror strongly indicates that I really shouldn't ever come back from this vacation. The church is much better off without me. P.P.P.S. If you ever come across a banshee that screams, "Heathen!" please let me know. That would make for one awesome pet.

Post-It Note Confessions: Part Three

2008-04-14T00:08:17Z

I get really angry whenever I walk past our collection of World Book encyclopedias. I distinctly remember when we bought them. The woman who sold them to us was sitting at the kitchen table with my parents, and I was nearby on the floor of the family room. I was eight years old and casually reading through the dictionary, which was a pretty typical evening pastime of mine. I was happy in that innocent little way that only children can be. Just then, the World Book saleswoman looked over, noticed what I was doing, and told my parents that I was an odd child. She turned to me and said, "You shouldn't be reading the dictionary. You should be doing something fun!" I scrunched up my face and looked to my parents. I expected them to defend me, to support my love of words and reading and learning. Instead, they let out a traitorous laugh and signed away a large chunk of money for the horrid lady's encyclopedias. I will never forget.

The Fairest of Them All

2008-04-13T02:29:15Z

There are tiny specks of something-or-other on my monitor here at home, and they've been around for a while. They're not that noticeable when I'm reading blogs, but they magically position themselves in ways that aren't exactly flattering when I start looking at pictures on Flickr. On my screen, all you pretty people have unsightly moles and age spots, and sometimes your teeth are even blacked out. At some point, I will have to clean off this mess, but for now it's kinda nice to feel superior for a few seconds a day. My sincere apologies. I'm not laughing at you... Not alone, anyway. Juan Pedro is laughing, too.

Hold the Nerdsauce

2008-04-12T01:46:06Z

It's amazing how many people are concerned about your safety when you have the cord of a mouse wrapped around your neck. "There was this actress whose scarf got caught in the spokes of her car. She drove off, the scarf strangled her, and her head popped off. You shouldn't wrap things around your neck like that." Crazy, but you forgot to tell me that all three hundred times I wore a scarf this winter. While we're on the subject, who knew they still manufactured ball mice? I expected to get an optical mouse with my new Dell computer at work, but I guess someone knew I'd be too distracted by my new, shiny 22" monitor to notice the whole "Hey, my mouse seems to have ceased working now that I've dragged it over my Pop-Tart crumbs" thing. But here we are, two months later, and I totally noticed. Yeah. Don't underestimate me again, Dell, or I'll have to knit you a pretty little scarf or two.

When Practice Doesn't Make Perfect

2008-04-11T05:12:02Z

By day, I work at a church. I do a lot of girly projects, since part of my job is to assist the Director of Women's Ministries. My week is filled with butterfly graphics, swirly Photoshop brushes, feminine fonts, and the notion that all women enjoy cooking and tea parties and the color pink. By night, I am a wannabe tough girl. I watch action movies and gritty television shows. I hold up my Nerf gun and wonder what it would be like to hold a real gun. I practice my grimace in the mirror, training my eyes to pierce through the very souls of my enemies. But somehow, in the end, I am only effective in being a bitch when it comes to correcting the spelling and grammar of those who chat with me on AIM. I believe this is what the internet would call an "epic fail."

Addicted to Your Love

2008-04-09T23:27:52Z

Today, my brother and I were watching Season Five of 24. Sean Astin plays a fairly prominent role in the season, which means I naturally need to punctuate every other sentence with "Mr. Frodo" and reference Lord of the Rings scenes every five minutes. (Truthfully, I do a lot of that anyway.) Sean's character has a sister who is a junkie / drunkard / anorexic loser, and after a particularly tragic family moment between the two of them, my brother paused the show. Adam: Thank you for not being a junkie of a sister. Me: Umm, you're welcome. Me: Thank you for not being a junkie of a brother? Adam: No prob. Or a fat hobbit. Me: That too. Me: Well actually . . . Me: If you were Sean Astin, you would most likely know the whereabouts of Elijah Wood right now, which is information I would like to have. It would be very valuable "intel" to me. And at that point, my brother rolled his eyes and remembered that I'm a pretty annoying sister even without any drug addictions.

Skills Inventory

2008-04-09T02:00:09Z

I'm a bit of a failure when it comes to showing up on time, eating healthful foods, keeping plants alive, remembering movie quotes, doing laundry on a regular basis, calling people back, or being a bad-ass. Thankfully, I make up for it by being really good at spelling words, learning (and teaching!) calculus, befriending kittens, finding the perfect font, batting my eyelashes, cracking my back, and making lists.

Kiss and Tell

2008-04-08T00:41:48Z

I cannot tell you how glad I am that winter is finally over, but I can tell you that I kissed this flower.

A Sad Day for HGTV and PETA

2008-04-07T01:33:33Z

Spring has officially arrived in Skirtsville when the parents move the patio furniture to the edge like that to keep the dog from doing his thing on that particular patch of grass. The dog is a lazy, old fart who is not interested in marking any territory that isn't currently beneath his legs, and it takes quite a bit of effort to get him to walk to the edge of the patio, beyond the first bit of lawn, and into the "it's okay to pee here" part of the yard. Life would be a lot easier if he would just choke on my panties and die, but he's apparently invincible.

E is for "Excellent" . . . or "Extremely Boring."

2008-04-06T05:16:49Z

My beloved friend, Seven (a.k.a. Brooke), honored me with a blogging award that has been making its way around the internet for some time now. I am completely touched, although I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being a bit shocked, too. My blog has definitely seen better days. That said, I would really like to pass this on to more deserving people. That list is actually quite long, however, so I'm going to strike a deal with you. You leave a comment on this entry (make sure to give me a link to your blog), and I'll officially deem your blog E for Excellent, too. Rachelskirts' List of Excellent Blogs:

jakebuck.com
achildsromance.org/blog
thoughtfulnature.blogspot.com
catchingessence.com (blog under construction)
3intheam.com
bigmexicandinner.com

Post-It Note Confessions: Part Two

2008-04-05T00:43:35Z

Before you start freaking out, no, I do not play World of Warcraft. Well, not anymore. I did let my coworkers at Office Depot talk me into playing for upwards of nine months. Then, I went back to school and let my Texas boys talk me out of playing. (It is completely possible to quit that game "cold turkey," by the way, so stop all your whining, pansies.) Other things I have (stupidly) let people talk me into doing:

Climbing on top of monkey bars as a kid. (I fell through once and hit my chin on the way down.)
Getting my hair (which was down to my butt) cut to my shoulders for twin day in third grade.
Eating food from Waffle House.
Obtaining a street sign in a rather thief-like manner...
Applying for a job at my church. (Oh snap! Did I just say that?)

Upon further reflection, I guess I really don't let people push me around too much, but I would still probably sell my soul to buy the love of a nice-smelling musician who appreciated semicolons. You could also probably get me to do your homework for you if you promised me cookies in return. Just don't ask me to play WoW again unless you're volunteering to do all my dirty work for me while I pick out cute new outfits for my priestess.

Most Boring Family Ever

2008-04-04T01:40:53Z

Most Boring Family Ever from Rachelskirts on Vimeo. I love my family dearly, but we seriously need to get out of the house more often. We're never going to get our own sitcom with dinners like that. P.S. Yes, these entries are all back-dated, so the content looks like it's from the future. Get over it. Also, my new camera is rad, thanks for asking.