Alright, internet. So, I know I just tricked a lot of you into calling the Rejection Hotline because, well, the temptation to abuse Twitter is just impossible to resist sometimes. But let's forget that funny little prank and move on to something way more important.
(Note: yes, it pains me to write "thru" instead of "through," but I think the industry has pretty much established that as the standard. Shut up.)
Tonight, my mother and I were victims of the Sneak Attack Sweet Tooth and his good buddy, Mr. Lazypants. These villainous creatures took control of our innocent brains as we were on our way home from haircuts, when we were weak from too many aerosol products and dizzy from being so good-looking. I stupidly suggested that we go to Johnny Carino's to get some tiramisu to go, realizing only after I opened my mouth that the only location I know of is in Longview, TX. Oops.
So then we started trying to talk out our options. Ice cream? No. Too chilly. Candy? We'd have to get out of the car. Uhh...
And that's when it hit me. There are not nearly enough drive-thru dessert options here in America. Yes, we can give you coffee with five shots of pure awesome, burgers with a side of extra grease, salads christened by the Pope himself, and four million different flavors of ice cream cones or milkshakes or what have you. The fast food world is indeed a cornucopia of great things, but our biggest and most important food group has been shamefully ignored.
(To add insult to injury, my mother and I finally wound up at McDonald's, searching for a vanilla ice cream cone and an Oreo McFlurry, respectively. But guess what? Ice cream machine was broken! We were reduced to trying some sort of cinnamon roll creation, which was admittedly edible and borderline tasty, but not what we were hoping for. We stopped by a second McDonald's ten minutes later and were greeted with yet another broken ice cream machine. Someone get to work on that, please.)
All this to say, I'd like to be able to swing by an establishment to pick up any of the following items:
- a piece of pie, preferably French silk or rhubarb
- a piece of tiramisu
- a king-sized candy bar
- a chocolate chip cookie
- a molten lava cake
- a slice of cheesecake
You get the idea. I want quality dessert at a decent price to be delivered out of a building's window through my car's window into my lap. And then I want some cheap utensils and the right to shove some tasty food into my gullet without ever having to move my butt. So let's forget Jenny Craig and Atkins and South Beach and get America back where it belongs—embracing gluttony and convenience. People of the internet, I trust you can make this happen.