Note from Rachelskirts: The following was sent to me by my dear friend, Team Christmas. The doubt and fear and pride he writes about are things we have all experienced, and I just wish I had the guts to be this transparent and honest once in a while.
How did I ever become comfortable with this? My room is a mix of dirty clothes, trash and wasted money, with a few free things thrown in for flavor. My friends don't know what I'm feeling most of the time. My work consumes my energy day after day. My focus is distracting myself form the obvious—that my life is a wreck and in need of change.
I turn to fiction fantasy stories when I crave substance. I turn to games and arguments when I want release. I turn to guilt and self-loathing when I feel I've done too well.
All of these things hiding the truth—that I once had something that made my life complete. Filled the void. And I let it go.
I chose to look for what I had in other things. I chose to try to gain what I had through other means. I wanted what I had, but not how I had it. I wanted the experience. I wanted to look for redemption in places it would not be found. I wanted to experience redemption in places I could not see it. I wanted to prove God wrong.
Pride. The original sin. So easy to fall into without realizing it. No, thats wrong. So easy to commit while blinding yourself about committing it. I'm sure that if I had thought about it when I was first started that I would have realized what I was doing and asked for help. Even now, my writing reflects that pride. Well, here and now, I denounce that pride, which now that I think about it is prideful in itself. How can I, by myself, denounce and set aside something that I have built the last 4 years of my life on?
My life is built around my pride. I've always prided myself on my ability to weather anything that came at me, through any means necessary. Well, as long as those means were by myself. I'm not even sure how to rely on people anymore. I mean, sure if I need something done, I don't mind asking people to do it, or to help me with it, but what about deeper things? What about my hopes and dreams? What about my fears? What about my faults? I have spent 4 years trying to bury my faults. Bury them, not fix them. Ignore them, not face them. Why? Because it was easier, and more comfortable.
Was easier, but not now. Now, those faults have come back to haunt me. Those faults that I have built my life on. Those faults that now run my life. Those faults that take my life to cover up. What would be wrong about trying to patch up those faults now? What would be so hard about it? The fact that the past 4 years of my life I was lying to everyone? How about trying to explain to people what I have been doing for the past 4 years, and why it now needs to change instead of then needed to change? It did need to change then, but I couldn't be bothered to change it.
All in all, I'm too scared to leave my comfortable life for something else, even if the something else is better. Life was better when I was uncomfortable, as backwards as that sounds. Back when I did things that I did, because I was certain God wanted me to, even if it was against the norm. Back when I looked at people and got to know them, even through the awkwardness. I want that back. I want the feeling of doing what I was doing back. The feeling that I was doing right, even if others said it was wrong. I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing, and that was all that mattered. It didn't matter that people didn't understand, or see thing the way that I did. It didn't matter that I was unpopular, which I honestly wasn't it just felt that way at times. Nothing mattered except doing what God wanted me to do. And then I slipped up, and let my pride get in the way of what God wanted.
I thought I could handle what God says to fear. I thought I could conquer what God says only he can conquer. At least I think he says only he can conquer it. I still remember the night that I chose myself over God. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now looking back I was a complete and utter fool. I have regretted my decision many times since that night. I have asked for forgiveness of what I had done. I have asked for the removal of what I have done. But, I didn't really think any of it would happen. I didn't really want forgiveness, I just wanted to feel better. I didn't really want removal, I just wanted to feel.
To feel like I was doing right. To feel like I was with God. To feel the warmth of forgiveness.
I'm sick of feeling. I want the real thing. But, there is only one way to get the real thing, and that is surrender. That is to surrender completely to the one who made all things. To surrender all my pride, to surrender all my life, to surrender the past 4 years to be torn down and rebuilt. To surrender my comfort as my life is torn apart. To surrender and lose things that I never wanted to lose. To surrender and lose friends, and some not so friends that I call friends. To take up that which is given me without fail and to run with it as far as I can, until I must rely on God to get me farther.
To fully and wholeheartedly surrender.
That is the scariest thing in the world to do. That might be the scariest thing beyond this world to do. But, the promises that come with outweigh the pain. The promise of always having someone on this earth who will guide and protect. Of always having a friend near, even he isn't visible. Of always having a mentor to guide. Of always having a judge to tell when I've done wrong. Of living up to a standard that no one can achieve. Of loving wholly and purely and simply and deeply. That sounds worth it, but...there is doubt.
What if those promises are empty promises? What if they are just there to sell God to you? What if it all is wrong? Of course there is the opposite argument of what if it's right? I'm tired of what ifs! I want something to go off of. I want some experience of my own. Life is one big uncomfortable what if. Which brings me back to the beginning. If life is a big uncomfortable what if, then how did I become comfortable in it?