I recently stumbled across two giant Hershey's Kisses (affectionately named "Hershey's Make-Outs" by some) that I purchased shortly after Valentine's Day. The Make-Outs were meant to be sent to friends, but I never remembered to put the care packages in the mail. Yeah, I'm a failure. That's another topic for another letter.
Today, we're here to talk about your failure. Sure, the Make-Outs are a great idea. Giant globs of chocolate, pretty enough to give to a loved one but not too fancy to buy for yourself. Genius, really. The problem, however, lies beneath the pretty foil and the cute ribbon.
How the hell is a person supposed to eat these things??
I mean honestly. I've tried the Stabby Knife routine, but that just leaves me with a dusting of a chocolate and a twisted piece of metal. I've tried the Carvy Knife thing, but that's no good either. I always end up resorting to the Gnaw Like It's Your Chew Toy plan, which results in chipped teeth and chocolate all up the side of my face. And I'm supposed to share that experience with a loved one? I have enough problems getting guys on my own without your help, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Here's where I stop yelling and start being helpful. I suggest that you take a page from the Chocolate Oranges book. Skip all those chapters on Tasting Like Crap and head over to Pre-Sliced for Easy Consumption (page 126). I don't care how you slice or dice the thing, but please—for the love of boys and chocolate and everything else that is good in this world—take my gosh damn advice.
Give. Me. Edible. Chocolate.