Dear Man at Panera,
I need to know where you buy your clothes. Twelve hours have passed since I saw you, and I am still flabbergasted by the top you were wearing. Seriously, where does one find a button-down dress shirt with a thick, elastic waistband? I asked Google, but it would only give me the phone number for What Not to Wear's Stacy and Clinton. And Cuil just coughed quietly and went back to doing Sudoku puzzles.
Now, I can understand the convenience of this hybrid shirt, of course, since tucking in those regular shirts can be difficult (not to mention trendy). The other businessmen at Panera were looking so five minutes ago with their classic suits and ties. But, oh man, you put them all to shame. You swaggered in and let your shirt do the talkin'. And you clearly thought it was saying sexy things to all the ladies. Personally, all I heard was, "Man, sweatshirts and button-downs should never mate."
So tell me, stranger. What is this contraption called? Where did that shirt come from? Most importantly, how hard is it to burn this monster-making establishment to the ground? (Oh yeah, and have you met my friends from What Not to Wear? I think you three will have a lot to talk about.) My email address is on the contact page. Talk to me.