I've been telling people for years not to expect anything great from me before noon. If for some unholy reason I happen to be awake before then, I guarantee I will be struggling to survive. Today's breakfast routine was a prime example of exactly how I operate during the morning hours.

Step One: Head downstairs at 11 a.m. for breakfast. Note that there is gross Kashi cereal on the counter.

Step Two: Pour gross cereal into a bowl, since walking the extra five feet for real cereal (Lucky Charms) would require remembering how to move my legs.

Step Three: Open refrigerator to find there is no milk to put on cereal. Grumble loudly and curse Monday for being grocery day.

Step Four: Put frozen bagel in the microwave. Retrieve cream cheese from refrigerator. Notice the lack of milk, juice, and every other beverage. Curse Monday again.

Step Five: Retrieve glass from cupboard. Open refrigerator to get beverage. Remember that I just saw this empty refrigerator. Curse Monday again.

Step Six: Make cup of coffee. Leave room in the mug for milk and chocolate syrup.

Step Seven: Remember that, ZOMG!, there still isn't any freaking milk in the refrigerator. Run upstairs to curse Monday online.