The Great Haircut of 2010


Three weeks ago, I saved two inspiration pictures to my phone and took a deep breath. Two hours, seven inches, and thirty screams later, I was on my way home with a rock star haircut and the overwhelming urge to tell every guy in my address book, "Can't touch this." It was a triumphant moment.

Since then, there has been no end to the bouquets of compliments being tossed at my feet. I can't step foot at the office or in any local store without bumping into someone I know who wants to tell me how fabulous my hair looks. I imagine this is the kind of attention people want when they say they'd like to become a celebrity, and I will go ahead and attest to the fact that it is usually pretty great.


Of course, this is where I tell you the downsides of looking fabulous, and you shove a knitting needle in my arm. Ready? Go!

Downside #1: I daily run the risk of looking like a frump in comparison to my hair. Gone are the days of rolling out of bed and not caring about my outfit or my accessories. If I don't hit just the right combination of make-up, jewelry, and clothing, I look like the misshapen twin of Justin Bieber and/or a butch lesbian. I worry that this will scare away Elijah Wood one day.

Downside #2: I look great as a cat. This isn't actually a downside. I love it.

Downside #3: The ongoing stream of compliments is coming from people who otherwise never talk to me, which inevitably leads to an ongoing stream of small talk about hair. As with most small talk, it is borderline inane at best and downright maddening at worst. What made me cut my hair? Do I enjoy not using as much shampoo? Is it nice to be able to get ready faster in the morning? Has anyone made fun of me for having short hair yet? Let's launch into a lengthy discussion about hair products, hair styles, and the inability of Americans to find satisfaction with anything (including hair)! Hair is the only thing we have in common!

Downside #4: Attention! As an introvert, I am absolutely blown away by all the attention that is suddenly given to me, my opinions, my habits, my likes and dislikes, and — gasp — my appearance. I have plenty of experience stealing the spotlight with my wit and intellect, but I have no idea how to handle having the spotlight thrown at me — in the grocery store, at church, in the office, at Hobby Lobby, et cetera. Blush blush blush. I can no longer stand unnoticed in the corner and stare poetically at the thriving socialites around me. THEY ARE IN MY CORNER. REPEAT: THEY ARE IN MY CORNER. Send help.

Downside #5: Justin Bieber.

I promise that I won't bore you with another hair-centric post for at least a year, but I needed to get that out of my system. Also, people who see me weekly and still feel compelled to ask IF I cut my hair, CHOKE ON A SPORK. Just kidding. Let's hug it out. With sporks.